You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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