I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The power of my boobs compel you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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