No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
