will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
