I'm jealous of your bromance
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
