I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
