Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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