as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
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there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.