We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
