seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.