I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
