I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
