peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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