I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
