So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
