READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
