Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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