The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
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