I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
