The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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