we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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