she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
