Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
