I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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