Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
