Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
