your thong is hanging out like whoa
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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