This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
