i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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