There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize