I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
