do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
