I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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