stop calling my apartment porn island.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
