roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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