You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
