Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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