When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
