I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
