No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You can't special order awesome
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
