I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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