it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
3pm strippers are depressing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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