Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We talked him into tasing himself.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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