also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
