I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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