It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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