we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
