My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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