FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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