I smell stomach acid.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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