There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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