My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
