My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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