I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
