I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
