first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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