Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
