remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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