yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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