It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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